Questioning is a natural skill, one that we learn and practice many times over as soon as we can speak. As humans, we are curious by nature.

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As coaches, questioning is a important part of what we do, overlooked only by active listening! However, there are some questions that we really shouldn’t ask (at least not too often).

In this short post I discuss one of the culprits – why. Why is a question word that should be used with great caution!

Why do we ask why so much?

I suppose the answer is quite obvious, at least it’s quite obvious when it comes to me. You may or may not agree with me.

I ask why because, I feel the need to know the reasons behind why someone did something. So, I frequently ask questions like these:

• Why did you do that?
• Why are we doing this?
• Why do you feel that way?
• Why do you like that?

Now, whilst reading the list you may be thinking – I ask some of those questions too, what’s wrong with them? I used to think these were great questions until recently, when I had a big argument with my girlfriend and most of the questions I was asking were why’s.

What’s wrong with asking why?

I did not get any answers, and we both only grew more frustrated. So what was wrong with the questions? A lot of why questions evoke either a defensive (e.g. why did you do that?), critical or disapproving response. Or even worse still, they force upon a need to justify the persons action (e.g. why do you like that?). The very last thing that is needed in a conversation or especially in an argument is to corner the other person.

So what’s the solution? For me substituting why with what (or another question word) generally works well. It will make you seem more accepting to hear the other persons answer, and not as aggressive. For example, instead of asking: why did you do that? Try something like: What do you (did you) think you will achieve by doing that?

Of course, I’m not saying that you should stop asking why questions all together. Sometimes, when your initial questions don’t reveal enough information then a why question can in fact be a very powerful tool. A question like – why is it important that you do this right now? – can be effective if used in a timely manner.

What are your thought? Do you ask a lot of why questions – do they usually hurt or help? Let us know in the comments.

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